Thursday, July 26, 2007

Today I'm feeling better but still worried and depressed.. My mum had already agreed to do the blood transfusion.. But I'm worried.. Would she pass away in the hospital if the blood transfusion is a failure? Hopefully not.. I still don't know how to react when she pass away.. Haix

In a pedastrian paradise.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I'm more depressed right now.. My mum needs to go to hospital for a blood transfution.. Her amount of blood left is only 8.6 which is very little.. We are all encouraging her to go to the hospital but she stubbornly refused to.. She is afraid that the blood transfution will fail again and she would again experience the side effects like fever.. She is afraid that if she do the blood transfution, she might passed away in the hospital.. But Shao Kai is right. If she doesn't accept the blood transfution, she will still pass away eventually.. So either way she will still passed away but the choice with the better and bigger hope is that she go to the hospital.. Perhaps her moment is coming.. 2 months passed so fast as though like the rain drops.. Her amount of cancer cell (or you call the marker) has increased. From 100+ to 2000 over.. Which means the cancer cell has spread.. Now mum has the cancer cells in her bone marrow. Poor mummy.. I really hope she can accept it and go to the hospital. I want her to live on... She can't break her promises! She said she would teach me how to cook her delicacies when I'm old enough! She said she would look at me graduate from sec school. She said she would help me makeup for my prom night! She said she would want to see me get married.. How can she back out like that?! Gods' unfairness pissed me off!! UNFAIR! SO DARN UNFAIR! GOD YOU NOT!

Please please please please please please please please please please please PRAY FOR HER! FOR THE LAST TIME! I BEG YOU!

In a pedastrian paradise.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

I'm feeling very depressed right now. I just visited my mum at her room and she said something that hurt my heart ALOT.. She said,"No use le. My illness cannot be cured.." in chinese.. Maybe we were right... Perhaps she already guessed it out.. That she had gotten CANCER... Poor mum... I really miss her old self.. I'm really so depressed.. but my pain in my hurt is nothing.. It cannot be compared with my dad's heart and my mum's illness.. The consequences of the illness are terrible and horrifying! Poor mum.... hopefully, god will bless her.. I really hope god can bless us or her by these ways:
1) Bring her away peacefully.. Let her go with Buddha.. Go to heaven.. The Western Pure Land of Bliss and Peace.. Away from her pain.. With grandma and grandpa..
2) May she recover..
3) May life after that will be no that bad..

Buddha, I'm begging you! Nothing is more important than my family.. If you don't help me, I'm really gonna be very disappointed.. But the feeling is still wierd.. I still don't believe it! She's dying! She's dying!! I feel as though I'm dreaming.. I rather hope to be in a deep coma now.. Which means these only happen in my mind when I'm in my coma..

LIFE WOULD NEVER EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN... NEVER WOULD IT BE THE SAME..

In a pedastrian paradise.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

My mum was discharged from the hospital today.. But it wasn't the doctors' decision, it was my mum's.. But at least she can spend her last moments at home... I was awaken by my sister's yelling.. I woke up and was told that mum was coming home.. I was very anxious.. I went around the house to tidy up.. I know my mum would be very angry and frustrated if she'd see the house in a big mess.. Waiting for my mum was an axious moment.. After waiting for a while, I saw my dad's car entering my house compound. At that moment, I knew mum was back.. She can't walk as she's totally immobilised.. My dad and maid needed to carry her inorder for her to enter the house.. She wore the wig which we bought for her.. Seeing her in this manner hurt me.. I almost burst out in tears when I saw her.. But Icouldn't cause' i don't want her to feel depressed... I'm just afraid that I'd burst out in tears again in school tomorrow.. But it was really a heart-breaking moment.. So people, treasure your family members. If you think your friends are the most important things in your life, YOU'RE SO DARN WRONG.. This was what I learnt from this lesson.. But how sad.. I can NEVER EVER hear her do things that I want her to do.. For example, these:

1) Sing Karaoke.. Sing her favourite songs..
2)Nag at me..
3)Scold me..
4)Wag me with the cane...
5)Teach me..
6)Talk to me..
7)Fetch me to school..
8)Fetch me home..
9)Smile at me..
10)E.t.c

On Thursday when I told her that I'd be performing during Aesthetic Night, She gave me the thumbs up! I was so happy.. Or was I sad? People, I'm sorry.. These few days and the next few I'd be very quiet and in a daze.. If you guys really wanna help me, There's only a few ways...

1)Look after your mum for me.
2)Don't scold your mum anymore!
3)Send SERIOUS prayers to my mum.. (OR ELSE 4GET IT!)
If you need her information, I give you now..
Name:Dorren Lim Sin Lai
Age: 53
4)Treat your family members nicely..
5)Please celebrate your mother's B'day and mothers' day EVERY YEAR.
6)Don't take your family members for granted like me..

Thanks.

In a pedastrian paradise.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Yesterday was the actual Aesthetic Night.. I like it so much.. My makeup was like so much.. Lipstick, lip gloss, gliter on the face, glitter on the hair, blush, eye shadow, mascara, eye liner... I first time wear makeup "go out" so i think i a little bit guai guai one.. IZZIT? Too bad Shaokai and the boys didn't see me.. So sad.. The fun is gone.. Anyways, do you like it? Mr SKAOKAI said the CL dance was like the 7th month ghost dance.. Very funny! It is about "MIRACLE".. Okay! I wanna thank Mrs LEE alot.. She gave my family 4 tickets to watch the performance.. And somemore, she gave my family the permission to record the performance.. Inorder to let my mum to view it.. I'm so happy that she's able to view it... Her daughter performing "infront" of her.. I believe her wish is accomplished.. One of her wishes I should say.. If only she could watch the whole thing on that day at that place.. The feeling would be different.. I really miss my mum's lovely smile and cheeky character... Anyways, I hope u like it..
Actually, I already lost hope in my mum recovering.. Seriously.. yea. i just hope that her afterlife would be spent happily and peacefully in heaven.. somewhere called 西方极乐世界. Which means the Western Pure Land of Ultimate bliss and peace. I'm ready.. I'm really ready if that thing happen..

In a pedastrian paradise.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

In a pedastrian paradise.

I'm sorry guys.. I'm sorry for bursting out in tears this morning.. but you see.. my b'day is on the 15/9 & usually, my mum would bring me out to buy me a cake to celebrate my b'day. The reason who bursting out in tears are what hurt me the most in this world. You may think its stupid but.. if u think this way, u are totally INHUMAN.

I burst out in tears because, I still can't believe the fact that my mum is dying soon. The joyful, filial and clever woman who has a happy family with 2 girls and a good husband is leaving her family soon. She's only 50+.. Maybe she's correct. March is a UNLUCKY + JINX month.. I burst out in tears also because I regret for doing so many bad stuffs which made my mum angry and frustrated. Like not listening to her when she's teaching me a very hard sum.. Like being so "against" her, talking back to her? I really regret. She gave me this toy cat just to hope that I would cool down and not to be angry with her again. Cos' on that day, she did something that pissed me off.. I can't remember what. But I'm really sorry.. Although SORRY NO CURE. When she gave me the toy cat, I was like "Walao.. i'm no more a KID. stop giving me all of these kiddies". I remembered seeing her turning her head around and left me alone. Mum, I'm really remorseful for what i've done.. I'M A LOUSY DAUGHTER.. A NOT FILIAL CHILD.. Mum, perhaps, I'm forever a "young kid" in your hard.
I'm so stupid.. What's the use of saying all of these now? She wouldn't even be able to hear it or see it.

Want to know her condition right now? I can tell you. Hope u will understand why I cried so much in school.
She has these tube that is placed through her nose to her stomach in order to suck out the undigested water which is in her body. Her digestive system is not complete due to the blockage in her small intestine. She had this operation which was a technical success but not really a SUCCESSFUL one.. The docs placed a by-pass in her stomach.. I thought she could recover but I'm so naive.. She in the end, after the operation, she was admitted to the High Dependency Unit. After which, she was admitted to the Critical Care Unit. Later on, we found out that she has phenomia which means her lungs are black.. And she needs to depend on a machine in order to breath. She can't drink and can't eat.. She have to depend on a machine called the TPN which helps to transport minerals and food into her stomach.. She also cannot talk as her breathing rate is too high.. 35-48 per sec... Normally, our breathing rate is only 2-10.. Now, she can talk a bit.. But it still hurts me whenever i go to the hospital to see her.. When I tell her that i'm going to perform for aesthetic night, she gave me the "thumbs up" handsign. I was so elated that she was ELATED.. Therefore, I have reset my goals.. I'm gonna get into a good JC, help her open a flower shop as she always wanted and definitely, get alot of As.. Not to forget to mention, I HAVE TO BE A GREAT DANCER..

I envy u guys.. Your mum is still so healthy and kicking.. I'm so sad when i see your mum bringing u home or talking to u. I hate you when u talk back to your mum and even scold her. I hate u when u throw a tantrum at her..I hate u when u give bad and evil comments on the gifts she gave u. I really hate it.. I hate it when i'm so lonely.. I hate it when I lost the feeling when hugging my mum.. I hate it.. I hate u.. I really do.. I hate it..

Guys, pray for her! Please

In a pedastrian paradise.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

How's ur Wednesday? Mine SUCKS.. Why? Today I rushed to the hospital to visit my mum.. I just happen to know that she can die anytime from now.. ANYTIME.. I feel so lost.. I don't know what to say or what to do.. I feel regretful about making my mum angry and frustrated when she was well. I love my mum alot alot alot.. I love her alot.. But through this dreadful incident, I realised something. NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR FAMILY.

Last time, I took my family for granted. Let's say, I took my MUM for granted. She taught my when she knew my exams were coming.. She encouraged me when I do badly in my studies.. She punished my when I do badly in my studies too.. Last time, whenever I went home, my mum would open the door for me. She would fetch me home. She will sing to me while driving. She would cook my favourite food for my for dinner and lunch. She would celebrate my b'day with me every year. She would sing Karaoke every morning of every weekend. I love her so much... She would bring me out for lunch.. To Bukit Timah Plaza. We would eat fish porridge. She would share some with me. She would offer me some fish. She would peal the skin of the fish as she knew I dislike fish skin so much. She would cut fruits for me. She would remind me to pack my bag every evening. She would remind me to do my homework too. She would reject to go for the Parents-session every year. She would pat me to sleep sometimes. She would encourage me to stop playing so much computer and study 5 eng and 5 cl compositions everyday. She would be angry at me if I refused to do so. She would buy Macdonalds for me sometimes. She would order Fillet-O-Fish for me as she knew I love it. She would buy me Wanton Noodles for lunch too. She would bring me to IMM to shop. She would bring me to pray at temples. She would encourage me to send my buddhist prayers everyday. She would remind me to be a good person and do good deeds. She would give me some money to give to those disable/people who need money. She would always say that she wanted to go to Taiwan with us. She would teach me how to study for certain subjects. She would scold me if I misbehaved at home. She will teased me when she think I'm acting cute.. She would teased me that I'm too old to act cute. She would tell me the funny things that happened when I was small. She would fetch me to school and back to home every school day. She would ask me to buy some duck rice for the family. She would ask me to buy some chicken rice for my sister. She would ask me to help her to do some house-chores. She would ask me to sweep the staircase. She would ask me to sweep the kitchen floor. She would ask me to pick the leaves and flowers fallen on the ground. She would ask me to be a good dancer. She would gossip with me abit about our enemy, our neighbour. She would send prayers to our ancestors. She always do so much for our family but yet i took it for granted.

Mum, I love you.. I really do. Please buddha and all god and goddess, please give my mum the strength and the ability to go through all of these successfully. I stil have so much things to tell her and do with her.. She's a good woman, a good daughter, a good son-in-law and definitely a GREAT MOTHER.. Buddha, god and goddess, i beg you! I really love my mum.

TO ALL READERS, PLEASE HELP TO PRAY FOR MY MUM! I REALLY DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER.. AND, IF UR PARENTS ARE STILL AROUND, TREASURE THEM. DON'T REGRET AFTER THEY PASSED AWAY. LIKE ME.. PLEASE.. I'M SERIOUS.. NO KIDDING!

In a pedastrian paradise.