Thursday, July 12, 2007

I'm sorry guys.. I'm sorry for bursting out in tears this morning.. but you see.. my b'day is on the 15/9 & usually, my mum would bring me out to buy me a cake to celebrate my b'day. The reason who bursting out in tears are what hurt me the most in this world. You may think its stupid but.. if u think this way, u are totally INHUMAN.

I burst out in tears because, I still can't believe the fact that my mum is dying soon. The joyful, filial and clever woman who has a happy family with 2 girls and a good husband is leaving her family soon. She's only 50+.. Maybe she's correct. March is a UNLUCKY + JINX month.. I burst out in tears also because I regret for doing so many bad stuffs which made my mum angry and frustrated. Like not listening to her when she's teaching me a very hard sum.. Like being so "against" her, talking back to her? I really regret. She gave me this toy cat just to hope that I would cool down and not to be angry with her again. Cos' on that day, she did something that pissed me off.. I can't remember what. But I'm really sorry.. Although SORRY NO CURE. When she gave me the toy cat, I was like "Walao.. i'm no more a KID. stop giving me all of these kiddies". I remembered seeing her turning her head around and left me alone. Mum, I'm really remorseful for what i've done.. I'M A LOUSY DAUGHTER.. A NOT FILIAL CHILD.. Mum, perhaps, I'm forever a "young kid" in your hard.
I'm so stupid.. What's the use of saying all of these now? She wouldn't even be able to hear it or see it.

Want to know her condition right now? I can tell you. Hope u will understand why I cried so much in school.
She has these tube that is placed through her nose to her stomach in order to suck out the undigested water which is in her body. Her digestive system is not complete due to the blockage in her small intestine. She had this operation which was a technical success but not really a SUCCESSFUL one.. The docs placed a by-pass in her stomach.. I thought she could recover but I'm so naive.. She in the end, after the operation, she was admitted to the High Dependency Unit. After which, she was admitted to the Critical Care Unit. Later on, we found out that she has phenomia which means her lungs are black.. And she needs to depend on a machine in order to breath. She can't drink and can't eat.. She have to depend on a machine called the TPN which helps to transport minerals and food into her stomach.. She also cannot talk as her breathing rate is too high.. 35-48 per sec... Normally, our breathing rate is only 2-10.. Now, she can talk a bit.. But it still hurts me whenever i go to the hospital to see her.. When I tell her that i'm going to perform for aesthetic night, she gave me the "thumbs up" handsign. I was so elated that she was ELATED.. Therefore, I have reset my goals.. I'm gonna get into a good JC, help her open a flower shop as she always wanted and definitely, get alot of As.. Not to forget to mention, I HAVE TO BE A GREAT DANCER..

I envy u guys.. Your mum is still so healthy and kicking.. I'm so sad when i see your mum bringing u home or talking to u. I hate you when u talk back to your mum and even scold her. I hate u when u throw a tantrum at her..I hate u when u give bad and evil comments on the gifts she gave u. I really hate it.. I hate it when i'm so lonely.. I hate it when I lost the feeling when hugging my mum.. I hate it.. I hate u.. I really do.. I hate it..

Guys, pray for her! Please

In a pedastrian paradise.